A few months ago I was in Nauvoo, Illinois, taking a stroll around the parking lot of the church. I was in one of those modes of trying to figure out where I fit in. It’s a meandering thought that plagues all of us throughout our lifetime. We have these moments where we don’t feel like we belong or understand where we fit in. The question becomes even more profound after we have experienced trauma, therefore, after the abuse I suffered as a child, I was in a constant mode of feeling like I didn’t belong to anything or anybody. I thanked God that I have a jolly heart. I leaned on that, riding the wave of life, trying to be as happy as I could, but there was always a lingering pull toward some destination I had no idea of. It was an unnamed territory. This left me feeling lost and unsure of myself.
I would watch many friends around me engage in routine social pleasures, but I often stayed aloof. A good portion of myself was happy to be alone because I was still in my safety box. I’ve always been an introvert with extroverted tendencies, someone who craves social interaction and fun yet values the times I can crawl into my shell and hide from everyone. There’s a particular scene in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer where Rudolph is trying to find his parents and his girlfriend. As he travels, he begins to grow, and along the way, he finds a couple of polar bears to play with, but his joy doesn’t last long because he hears the roar of the abominable, and he has to move on. That is how it always felt. I had an unstructured childhood, constantly on the move, staying in places for a little while, making friends, and then we would move again. Today, I’m constantly on the move, doing firesides and meeting new people. I’m not complaining at all; it’s one of the most amazing blessings in my life, but still, there’s that little part of me that wonders where I fit in, and that was my question for that day: where do I fit in because I do not feel like I fit into the world?
After becoming a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I was propelled into a world I wasn’t prepared for. That is not to say I was not happy, quite the opposite. But suddenly, this shift required me to be out of my safety box. That is when I began to do the firesides, standing in front of hundreds and sometimes thousands of people and speaking about the importance of following the Holy Ghost in all things, aligning yourself with the Savior, and forgiveness.
Fast forward 20 years later, I have learned much on this journey and grown exponentially. I understand the mission I’ve been given to reach out to people and help heal hearts and in the process I’ve healed as well. But there I was on that hot summer day musing in the parking lot of the church. I looked up at the Nauvoo Temple and silently said, “I have never felt like I fit in. Never. Even though I have good friends and feel close to people, I just don’t feel like I fit into the world.”
I no sooner uttered the question when a voice said to me, “you didn’t come into this world to fit into it you came to change it, all of you did.” In that instant, my longing for worldly connection and acceptance faded, replaced by a broader perspective. This isn’t our home we came to, this is a place we are hoping to teach, learn, and grow so that we may return to our heavenly home. We are here to purify our hearts and help change the hearts of others. Though we are often reminded to be in the world and not of it, this truth can be difficult to grasp when raised in a culture that values conformity. Those who choose a different path may inevitably feel isolated. Many who walk the way of Christ and try to emulate him will feel this way, after all, He was rejected by the world. So it’s natural to feel like you don’t fit in. I valued what I had learned that day in the church parking lot, but imagine my joy when, during the October General Conference, Brother Brad Wilcox made the statement “do not let the world change you, you came here to change the world!” I nearly fell off of my chair and I had to I smile.
So, what does this mean? Is it beneficial to feel like an outsider? Not necessarily. However, it’s important to understand that as a follower of Christ, you may often experience a sense of disconnection from the world. This feeling is not a negative reflection on you but rather a testament to your unique mission. Rather than trying to find out where you “fit in,” look for what your purpose is. Finding your purpose will naturally draw to you people and situations that fit who you are and why you are here. In this manner, you will find connection and feel valued and needed. Once that happens, you will understand that you never came here to conform to the world but instead to bring positive change and purify hearts so that people can conform to Christ instead of the world.